How To Deep Clean & Declutter Your Wardrobe

Let’s get your space thoroughly sorted out.

Step 1
Get through all your laundry. Depending on how you dry your clothes and what the weather is like, you might have to do this a couple of days in advance. Just make sure all your clothes are in a wearable state ready for the next step.

Step 2
Remove allllll of your clothes from the wardrobe and drawers and any place you store them. Find everything. This includes bags, jewellery, shoes, gloves, underwear etc. Throw everything on (and beside) your bed or wherever works for you, but make sure you have all your stuff gathered together in one place.

Step 3
Clean your clothing storage areas. For me, this involves wheeling my clothes rail to a different part of the room, vacuuming the floor where the rail usually stands, and wiping down the rail. I also dismantle my fabric drawers, vacuum the spot where they live, and dust each section of the drawers before reassembling them. Moving your furniture might be tough if you’ve got something like a tall wooden wardrobe and you’re on your own. Just do your best to clean your storage as thoroughly as you can.

Step 4
Try on everything. Go through each item of clothing individually, including underwear, necklaces, pyjamas, and see how it looks on you. If you have a full length mirror, that’s perfect. If not, work with whatever reflective surfaces you have. Maybe take some photos or use your selfie camera as a mirror. Trying on every item is important because your body can change and clothing can lose its shape or colour over time. Sometimes when you wear an outfit day to day, you don’t notice that it doesn’t look as good as it used to. Pay attention to how each item of clothing looks on you. Do you feel confident and comfortable wearing it? For each item you choose to keep, put it back where it belongs. For items you won’t be keeping, make a discard pile.

Step 5
Be observant. As you go, make decisions about what you want to keep and what you need to discard, but also keep an eye out for odd jobs that need doing. Maybe that beautiful strawberry-print shirt is super flattering on you and you definitely want to keep it, but one of the buttons has come loose. Either sew it back on right away or make a pile of items that need attention.

Step 6
Deal with the aftermath. If you haven’t already completed the little patch up tasks like sewing up torn seams, cleaning the inside of bags and polishing brogues, book in a day when you will. Do not just tell yourself you’ll sort it out at some point. Dispose of the clothing you’re getting rid of responsibly. Donate. Recycle. Try to avoid throwing anything in the bin. And again, don’t just leave the discard pile sitting somewhere in your house. Either take it away now or know when you will.

Step 7
Research. Did your decluttering session raise any questions? Maybe you’re interested in what the alternatives to fast fashion are. Maybe you realised that pair of boots you love would look amazing with bat wing shoelace accessories and you want to find out where you can buy them. Maybe you decided bulky furniture drives you mad and you want to investigate clothes rails. Look into anything that came up while you were organising your wardrobe. If you need to, decide when you’ll go shopping.

My final piece of advice is to complete all of this before moving on to any other decluttering. In my experience, it’s too easy to put aside the fiddly tasks and get on with the next big thing and then never come back to them. I know they’re annoying but if they need doing, get them done. Fully complete your wardrobe deep clean and declutter; it will feel good.

The Hatsune Miku Noodle Stopper

Hatsune Miku is serenading me as I write this. The Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA Mega Mix + rhythm game has a playlist feature that some may say I make use of too much. But Miku songs make me happy so I would disagree! It’s the joy Hatsune Miku brings me that I’ll be exploring in this post.

Honestly, I think one of the biggest contributing factors to my ‘diva is life’ state of mind is my mental health. The depression, anxiety, social anxiety and panic attacks I have are debilitating and are severe enough to be considered a disability. After trying and trying to find effective help, I’ve given up and accepted that I just have to figure out my own way of getting by while living with my mental health conditions. One symptom they cause is sometimes making it tough for me to talk to the wonderful people in my life even when I desperately want to. Naturally, I try to get back to my people as soon as possible, but when I can’t manage it, I turn to the fictional characters I love or I listen to the radio or I spend time with my handsome cat. (The latter is a pretty constant state of affairs, to be honest.) All of these are incredibly important for staving off a crushing sense of isolation because they provide a connection I treasure without requiring social energy.

The BBC and the Open University collaborated to produce a short video about the power of creating relationships with fictional characters and how beneficial that can be for our brains. They state that these relationships lift a person’s mood, offer a sense of companionship and inspire empathy just as successfully as a relationship with a real human would. So, although the connections we create with fictional characters may differ from those we create with real-life humans, they are no less valuable. And, after all, isn’t every relationship unique?

I do have one small criticism of the video. While I understand the usefulness of the distinction and I understand that the realness of characters differs from that of you and me, I take issue with the assertion that characters are not real people. I’ve written a blog post dedicated to this topic and, as a writer, I could not develop characters if I didn’t believe in them.

So, it’s obvious that I care deeply for my fictional friends and that they have the powerful skill of providing companionship without draining social energy. But why have I been a little obsessed with the vocaloids Hatsune Miku, Megurine Luka, KAITO, MEIKO, Kagamine Rin and Kagamine Len? Why these characters in particular?
– They combine music, the Japanese language and video games, all of which are special to me.
– They have attributes that feel cheering, like being cute and colourful, and many of their songs sound upbeat.
– Yet, there is also a lot of darkness and depression in the lyrics of many songs, which is comforting to me because it makes me feel accepted and, again, not alone.
All of these qualities make the vocaloids feel like the right fit to meet me where I am at the moment.

Craving this constantly available, non-judgemental and wholly accepting company that doesn’t require social energy has inspired me to buy my first nerdy figurine. It will allow Miku to have a physical presence in my environment and to be around even when my computer is switched off. I can’t wait for my Hatsune Miku noodle stopper to arrive!

Animaid Café

Being in Manchester’s Animaid Café makes me feel so happy and comfortable. This week they’re hosting a magical girl event with a special magical girl menu and I absolutely did not want to miss it!

When I arrived, I greeted the maid and she asked me who my favourite magical girl is. It turns out Homura Akemi is a favourite of both of us, so that was an awesome moment. She created a yummy fruity bubble tea for me inspired by Homura and drew a beautiful picture on the cup. I told her I’d be keeping the cup. I was thinking I might fill it with fairy lights and create a cute little Animaid Café x Homura lamp. But I forgot to pick up the cup when I left! I’m devastated. I can’t believe what an idiot I am.

I’d decided that today would be the day I get a polaroid with a maid, but when I went up to ask, she told me they were all out of polaroid supplies. I must have looked pretty dejected, but then she cheered me up by saying it would be okay to use my own camera. So I got my photo!

The stage they have for taking photos is incredibly pretty. The wall is utterly adorned with flowers and they have a neon sign of the Animaid Café mascot. Indeed, the whole café is beautiful and geeky and makes me feel as though I’m in my home away from home. There are umbrellas covering the ceiling to protect the maids and customers from every bad thing. There are flowers and lights everywhere you look and full wall murals of anime characters to prove that the café is true to its statement that ‘everything we do is driven by anime’.

A nerdy haven would be incomplete without the presence of games. The Animaid Café has a suitably impossible claw machine, a stack of board games and a working Street Fighter arcade machine. Today, I got to play as Chun-Li who AJ Mendez cosplayed as! I won my first battle as her so I quit while I was ahead.

The food is impressively presented as well, as you’d expect from a maid café. I ordered the Fluffy Cloud Waffle Dream – what a name! – and it looked almost too good to eat. I was especially happy about how many strawberries the waffles were covered in. When the maid brought the food over to my table, she complimented the little strawberry watch attached to my belt loop, which made me feel very yay!

I really had such a wonderful time. The Elephant House in Edinburgh and The Tin Angel in Coventry were places I felt I belonged. The Animaid Café in Manchester has become that for me too. So, if you need me, you know where to find me!

Conversation With My Cat

Cat: Hello? Helloooooooo? Is that you, human?
Human: *unlocks front door*
Human: I’m home! Hello, cat. Did you miss me?
Cat: Where were you? Why did you leave me all alone? I hate being alone. How could you do this to me?
Human: I’m sorry, handsome face.
Cat: I am rather handsome.
Cat: …Hey! You can’t placate me with factual compliments. I’m still mad at you.
Human: I had to go to the supermarket to buy food, including some catnip treats for you!
Cat: *sigh* You humans are always making unnecessary work for yourselves. You know perfectly well that catnip comes from the kitchen cupboard.
Human: Oh yes, of course it does. Well, maybe I can make it up to you with some fuss.
Cat: *purrs*
Cat: Oh okay, I forgive you.
Cat: But I still think we should have a discussion about your behaviour. Human, sit.
Cat: Do you promise to never, ever leave me by myself ever again?
Human: I’m sorry, my beloved boy, I can’t promise you that, but I promise to always come back.
Human: Sometimes I have to go out to buy food so that I don’t starve to death.
Cat: I suppose it would be unfortunate if you died.
Human: Sometimes I go to visit my mum and your sister.
Cat: Not allowed. They must come here so that I can see them too.
Human: Sometimes I like to meet up with friends.
Cat: Friends? If you like these other humans, surely you want them to experience the joy of meeting me.
Cat: Other than the prevention of your demise, you have no good reason for leaving me alone.
Cat: Human, training you is hard work and it’s making me sleepy. Stay still for a few hours. I need your lap.

The Mobile Oven Cleaning Service

A short story I wrote called The Mobile Oven Cleaning Service:

Winter 2010

Hello love,
 If it’s not a snowy Christmas this year, then it must be a meteorological impossibility to have snow on Christmas Day, eh?
 Knowing you, you came up with some ingenious tricks to keep you on the road longer than most, but even you must have lost some jobs this winter. Don’t worry, my darling, I’m sure it won’t have damaged your reputation because I heard the emergency services have been having trouble on the roads and all. If they can’t get through, nobody’s going to think badly of you for admitting it’s not safe to drive.
 Not that I ever doubted how tough the removals business is, but now I understand from first-hand experience how hard you work every day. Did you take a gander at the flyer I included? That’s me – I’m running an oven cleaning service! I think it’s a surprisingly similar profession to your removals. Did I do alright with the flyer? I’d never have known where to start if I hadn’t read your removals adverts for inspiration.
 Would you believe that within my first week I was hired by a bloke on Burt Terrace? I managed to nab a parking spot by the field but any muppet could see that I’d never moved an oven so far in my life. It was wobbling away on the hand trolley while I was slipping around on the ice, and those extra fifty metres to the van were the longest journey I’ve ever made! You’re truly remarkable, Alan. I only had to go back and forth once, but you made that journey over and over again with every possession belonging to the folks at number three.
 Aye, your old van is a useless piece of junk but I’m still grateful you let me take it. It allowed me to start this business and it’s where I’m living for the time being! You see, I slept in a sleeping bag in the van for the first couple of nights. When I thought about where I was going to stay in the longer term, I realised I didn’t have the money for a place on my own, so I decided to keep doing what I was already doing. I used up a lot of the money I did have on making the van habitable. I can’t say it’s anything more than habitable, mind. My bedroom and kitchen are all mixed up into one area and I’m lacking some of the basics like heating, a shower and a washing machine. I was a numpty and didn’t research van renovations so it turned out a right mess. My mind was elsewhere. If you’d been doing it up, you would have made sure everything was perfect.
 I don’t want to complain because it was proper kind of you to let me take the old van, but it has been a bloody freezing winter. All I’ve had to keep me warm is the hot water bottle you got me a few years back. I’m sure it goes without saying that our house – your house – is much more cosy. That fireplace is champion; it warms you right down to your knickers!
 The mobile oven cleaning business was actually a result of living in the van. I discovered that there’s a lot you can’t do when the most accurate address you can provide is a licence plate number. I lost my job at the restaurant because of that, and didn’t have the foggiest what I could do instead. Cleaning is all I know. Then I thought of you and realised I’d have to earn an income with a similar lifestyle to yours. So, I got my van modified again to incorporate the tools of my trade, ready to become a mobile cleaning professional.
 It reeks. Having my workplace and home in one vehicle makes the smell of the cleaning products unavoidable. I’ve got a sliding door to separate the living and working areas but that does nowt to keep out the stench. If there’s one thing I miss about my job at the restaurant, it’s that I could come home and wash off the eau de disinfectant.
 Oh Alan, let me know if you want to see me for Christmas. Perhaps you’d like me to pop by just for the afternoon. Or on a different day. Whenever suits you is fine by me. It’s never an inconvenience. You can call me in the middle of the night if that’s best for you. The change of profession has made my sleeping pattern the same as yours, so the middle of the night is the same for me as it is for you these days! Hearing your voice would be the best Christmas gift of all.
 All my heart,
 Rose

Spring 2011

Dearest Alan,
 It’s strange to have not seen you at all this year.
 Did you make your usual new year’s resolutions? New Year’s Day was a right yawn without tending to your hangover and planning our goals together for the year ahead. What did you do instead? Did you stay with your brothers for longer since you had no reason to go back to the house?
 My resolution for this year is to be more like you. The winter was a nightmare. I made a blunder of everything. I made bad decisions when I was getting the van done up so it’s been a rotten place to live. With all the disruption from the snow, I didn’t get many jobs so I was broke as folk. But I shan’t give up on my business. I’ll ask myself what you would do so that I can make myself more successful.
 I found out that I can have a kind of fireplace in my van! It might not be as lush as the one in your living room, but I’ve made it my goal to buy a log burner and get it up and running before the end of autumn. You could have held someone in cryopreservation in my van over the winter; I’m not having that again.
 To maximise the number of customers I get, I’ve found that travelling around the county is helpful. It’s been exciting to see all these different places in Northumberland that I’d never seen before! The trouble is that after I left Morpeth, I got a few calls from stragglers wanting my services and I had to turn them down, which I know you would have said is disgustingly unprofessional. So I’ve learned that including dates on my flyers is important, like:

‘MOBILE OVEN CLEANING SERVICE
Available in Newcastle from 7th March 2011 to 20th March 2011.’

Newcastle was the first place I went after the snow melted and currently I’m in Blyth. I wonder whether you’ve been to any of these same towns this year on your moving jobs.
 Spring seems to be the busy season for my business because of the spring-cleaning mentality in so many households. After the sparse uptake in winter, talking to dozens of people every week is quite a shock and it’s mighty exhausting. I wonder whether I would be better at it if I’d had friends while we were together. It occurred to me that I haven’t socialised with anyone outside of our families since I was eighteen or so. That’s not a regret of course, my love. How could I have stayed in touch with the lads and lasses I called friends when they spoke about you the way they did? As you said, I didn’t need such unsupportive, judgemental people in my life. The years I had with you mean so much more to me than friends like those. All I’m saying is that I’ve noticed I lack your natural charm with the customers. I should have known I have no charisma from my short-lived waitressing career, but I’ve never been the squeakiest bubble in the frying pan, have I?
 Speaking of which, perhaps at some point I’ll have to take a business course because I’m not sure whether I’m all above board legally. I just agree a price with the customer on the phone and then accept a cash-in-hand payment. Is that fine? You know, it’s only now that I’m having to deal with my own ineptitude that I appreciate how caring of you it was when you’d point out my weaknesses.
 Love,
 Rose

Summer 2011

Hello darling,
 You must be thinking of your summer holiday about now. Are you going to Whitby with your brothers again this year?
 I’m considering making Blackpool my next destination and having a week off to enjoy the sights and to eat a ninety-nine at the seaside! It’s a pity you and I never quite managed to take my parents to Blackpool. It always seemed to clash with your trip with your brothers, didn’t it? Of course it’s too late to take my parents there but I’d like to go anyway. They were so sure it would be magical.
 The van is in a better state than it was. I still don’t have a shower but I’ve installed solar panels which make a world of difference to my energy supply. Before, I was dependent on running a cord out the window to charge up my battery every couple of days. That led to a few nasty surprises, like realising I must have run out of power when I swallowed a mouthful of curdled milk from the mini fridge. After eight months of having to tolerate a bedtchen, the layout has been fixed so the kitchen and bedroom are separate, finally. And there’s a gap in anticipation of getting the log burner! Fingers crossed!
 I’m really quite comfortable here after getting this work done to sort out my mistakes. I’ve grown accustomed to life in the van. Even the smell of the cleaning solution that permanently permeates from the workspace has become oddly companionable.
 It made me think that a van like this would be belta for you for your holidays. You always did prefer doing things yourself since nobody else can do it as well as you can. If you had this van, you could travel with your brothers in one vehicle and not have to contend with B&B staff who can never manage to follow your simple instructions on how to prepare proper bacon and eggs. The van doesn’t have a full cooker but it has a hob capable of making a mean fry up!
 Oh aye, I’ve got a shocker for you! I have no telly and I don’t miss my soaps! I have a little radio and I listen to The Archers but that’s the only drama I follow these days. While I’m listening to the radio, I’ll pamper myself. Not with chocolate anymore but with a bleeding moisturising face mask. I’ve become one of those women! With all the long hours I spend outside, by the side of the road, in all weather, scrubbing ovens, my skin needs a treat. You’d always tell me I ought to put more effort into my appearance and I’m finally following your advice.
 Rose xx

Autumn 2011

Hi Alan,
 It’s the one year anniversary of our separation and the day we last spoke to each other. Are you thinking of me today?
 I suppose you may well be busy today, with autumn being the peak season for your removals. Everyone wants to get settled into their new house before the cold kicks in, and after last winter in this van I can certainly understand that. This year won’t be so tough because just as it was starting to get nippy, I got the log burner fitted! I did it! I don’t have to count on that old hot water bottle anymore. I’m even more chuffed with the log burner than I expected. The heat is glorious, but the crackling of the wood being consumed by the flames and the golden glow around the interior have transformed the van. And I never thought I’d have a way to cover the smell of the cleaning solution, but the log burner has dealt with that too with its canny smoky aroma. This useless piece of junk feels like a real home.
 Work has taken me south of Yorkshire. You always said true northerners like us should avoid the cold-hearted, posho southerners, but staying on the move has proved good for business so I kept going. Morpeth is a beautiful little town but actually there are a lot of bonny places in England. The southerners are alright and all. So, here I am, writing to you from Winchester on our new type of anniversary. Forgive me, Alan, but I don’t think I’ll mark this occasion again.
 From,
 Rose